Friday, February 1, 2008

How To Date Like A Man

When’s the last time you saw a guy walk into the bar or party looking useless and confused? Okay, so it was yesterday. Were you interested in him? No? Shocker. That’s because most guys walk into a place with a purpose. Unless they’re looking for a space to park their binder filled with original Star Trek drawings, they’re looking for friends or women. And you should look the same. When you walk into a place, act like you know where the hell you’re going, even if you don’t. Everyone will wonder who you are and why you’re there, but they’ll never think you’re useless and confused.

Got your eye on someone? Good. Don’t shy away. Look him straight in the eye and think, “You should be attached to my lips by now, why aren’t you?” Trust me, he’ll read your thoughts like they’re projected above your head on a widescreen.

Look. No one cares about what anyone else has to say. They just don’t. But what you have to do is pretend that you do. Ask about their life, their job, their parents, anything to keep them talking. Because the more fake interest you show in them, the easier it is to disarm them. Guys are used to talking about themselves, as are we all, but if you actually fake an interest, they kind of don’t know what to do. Like puppies trapped in a cage in the window of a pet shop, they are addicted to the interest you show in them. Tap the glass. Watch them lick your fingers.

You’re at the bar, you’re talking with him, it’s been hours, and still nothing has happened. Do us all a favor. Kiss the idiot. For one thing, he’s not going to not appreciate it. For another, if you don’t do it, someone else will.

There are two ways to take control of a situation like this, whether you’re at a bar or a wedding or an inauguration.

Way #1: Lean forward and say, “You have the cutest lips!”
Way #2: Lean forward and say, “Are you going to kiss me now or WHAT?”

Way #2, obviously, puts the ball in his court and makes him feel in control, even though, really, you’ve just instructed him to kiss you, which is pretty much what you wanted him to do in the first place.

You can always take control by just telling him to do what he probably wanted to do anyway; whether it’s kissing you or getting you a cab home. Tell him what to do. He’ll like it.

Do you want sex? No, really, do you? Because men do. And that’s pretty much all they want from you until they get to know you and your sense of humor and how you put on your shoes in that cute way that no one else does. And until you realize that sex is not an invitation to boyfriendville, you’re screwed.

He just wants to have sex with you. And you? You want to have sex with him. So do it already. Enjoy it. Tell him what you want. Make him your momentary love slave. And after it’s over?

Make him sleep in the wet spot.


This is so incredibly important. Give him your name. Give him a fake cell number. In this age of the internet, anyone can find you if they want to, but, that being said, it doesn’t mean you should hand out your cell phone number to every last guy you happen to sleep with. Tell him what you do for a living, but don’t tell him where you work. Give him your email address, but don’t tell him what you do. Do not divulge all of your personal details. Why?

And you will not want him to. And you will be all, “Oh. Hi. Yeah. Um…” And he will be all, “Yeah. You. And me. And…” And you will feel like a man for the first time in your life and you will say, “It was really nice meeting you the other night, but I have to floss my cat three times a day and I’m in charge of the electricity for the Chrysler building and why don’t we just…hook up later in the year. When I’m willing to?” And he will be all sad and lonely and want to see you again and you will think, “Wait, who IS this guy?” And then you will be sorry that you handed out your personal information to a potential stalker.

So you’ve had sex. Good for you! Guess what? You never have to talk to each other ever again if you don’t want to. Know why? It's not required to talk after sex. If you had a good time but you don’t want to date him, don’t call him. If you had a good time and you do want to date him…don’t call him. Know why? Because you just had a one-night stand. And one night stands, barring unforeseen circumstances, will never wind up in a relationship.

Not to go all Samantha on you or anything, but seriously – one night stands are awesome. No muss no fuss, no strings, possibly good sex, no worry about the following morning or possible dating situations, one night stands…they have their merit. Do we all want a sexual partner with whom we can tell our deepest secrets and joys? Sure. Do we all want the occasional bang up against a chain-link fence behind a bar with no consequences? Hell. Yeah. Never shall the two meet. Unless we’re really lucky.

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Afrobabe said...

Firssssssssssssssssssssssssssttttt, I hope....

Sha said...

lol.. INTERESTING. dats all imma say for now. :-D

Anonymous said...

dunno if i am bold enough to do all that!kai!

caramel said...

happy new month!!!! greap post and blog. check mine out

Jinta said...


'Kiss the idiot. For one thing, he’s not going to not appreciate it. For another, if you don’t do it, someone else will'

i agree, we're cheap like that...

Anonymous said...

lol ok....
i wouldnt do a one night stand in principle, but i get the logic and advantages behind it. plus it's a control thing.
love the line about the puppy and ,'watch him lick your fingers'

Onome said...

@afrobabe:(lol)...yes u are
@sha: thanks for stopping by:)
@pink-satin: me neida but hey, wont be bad to right?;)
@caramel:gracias, i sure will:)
@jinta:.......really?? hmmmm!!!!
@geisha:hehehehehehe..glad u like it:)...thanks guys

little miss me said... ..informative, i don't know if i've gotten to the level of dating like a man,let me master the art of dating like a woman 1st lol

Ms. emmotions said...

i had fun reading this,

Toochi said...

i'm up for whatever.

Naija Chickito said...

Not very realistic for us here in Naija o. Especially the part about kissing a guy that you just met at the bar or someplace else......just saying o:-)

Carlang said...

Give me a call.
i find a modern day woman!!


Allied said...

ahh.. is it because Isi awarded you the innocent blog?

Ahh, i no fit do all stuff you mention but i can relate to nerver give your information.

men, i gave a stalker my business card, BAD MOVE.. lets just say i watch my every move at work

cally-waffybabe said...

Onome innocent like Isi's three year old? LMAO Isi gat dat wrong baby. Checked out Miss Hotbody's blog and saw your comments on EVERY SINGLE POST. You must have had multiple orgasms at da end lol. Far too saucy for a three year old innocentee. Onome, you're a naughty naughty gurl...LOL!!! Luv ya all de same. *still laughing*

Afrobabe said...

ok...Now that I know I made

To each his own...walking into a room confidently might work for A but walking in looking confused and helpless might work for B...the trick is, do it convincingly...


I personally have done more...

Depends on who is in the need to waste my damsel in distress babe moves on a guy who likes strong women so guage the crowd first...

Afrobabe said...

Onome, which time this approval thing start??? who dey chase u???

anonymous gal said...

ok o onome if i try and it back fires i know who to hold.


Hey Onome, long time no see. How body?

Isi said...

i give u an award for being a nice sweet girl and u go post this?!!!! lol!

i am reading and i am almost afraid....
this dating game keeps evolving, i think i need to go back to school.


how u dey jare?!

Sherri said...

wrong blog?
please point me in the right direction o. lol

i came looking for an innocent 3yr old according to isi.

!*!*!*!*!Fresh and Fab!*!*!*!*! said...


Nyemoni said...

hahahaha! where do you get all these from girl? LOL!

el~correcta said...

hey onome. i hope say u consult some male species to be sure about all that stuff for there are some things i won't totaly agree with.

then again next time a girl tells me how nice my lips are,i'll know you informed her about doing so!!

Afrobabe said...

lol...see how everybody has been shocked by they will be shocked when I tell them I am actually a VIRGIN!!!!

Onome said...

O.K!!! time to respond:
first of all am so sorry i was on leave should have told you all...ahem here we go!
@li'l miss shaking enjoi:)
@ms emmotions:glad u did dear:)
@toochi:really?? adventurous huh?
@naija chickito:hehehehehe u sure??
@Carlang:LOL and where have U been?
@Allied:no ooo(lol)...i just liked d post and really?? WOW! open my ***** here oo(lol)
@afrobabe:no one ooo jus trying out diff stuff
@solomonsydelle:doing good ma'am how u and yer famly?:)
@Isi:am good mami and no love am still da li'l angel u know(lol)..u not need to tutoring on dating love do u?(lol)
@sherri:LMAO u're at d right blog honest(lol)
@fresh and fab:am good thanks:) how u?
@nyemoni:hehehehehe glad u like it:)
@elcorrecta:hmm ok oooooo
@afrobabe:if u're a virgin den we need to talk(straight face)

Onome said...

@anon gal:roflmao...well make we dey look.....but i hear its foolproof(hehehehe)

Florida of Free Spirit said...

i have a fundamental problem with this post, as i do with most things that d western world has to say about relationship - which is: screw ur brains out. I really doubt where there is no respect or affection, sex has much to offer anyone.

Onome said...

@florida:mmmmmmmmm well, u're right but I guess wat d post is trying to say is turn the tables around a u?:)