Is cheating an inherent personality trait or a controllable behavioral one? Can a guy -- or gal -- who strays learn to be a house cat?
By: David Zinczenko
We'd all like to think that people can make changes, learn to compromise, and make their relationship stronger. Unromantic men can learn to buy a card every once in a while; women who nag can learn to stop themselves at least a few times they see toothpaste in the sink, or whatever it is. But those are small changes.
The big changes -- the changes that can make or break a relationship -- are the ones most of us are really concerned about. And perhaps the biggest question of all -- when you consider that 25 percent of men admit to cheating in relationships and about 15 percent of women do -- is this: Can cheaters change? Is cheating an inherent personality trait or a controllable behavioral one?
Can a guy -- or gal -- who strays learn to be a house cat?
For these purposes, we'll consider cheating full-on sexual contact -- not only sex, but also its close relatives. (I fully know that 60 percent of men say that even having drinks with an old flame is cheating, 50 percent of men say visiting strip clubs is cheating, and virtually all women say emotional betrayal is worse than physical betrayal. So I know cheating is complicated, but here, we'll go with the traditional "Where did my underwear go?" definition.)
The average woman says that the No. 1 reason for divorce is infidelity -- so that indicates to me that for women, their answer is no, cheaters can't change (or if they do, they don't believe he deserves a second chance).
After I give you my take, I'd love to hear your thoughts about this very question, because I think your perception of this issue may very well depend, in some major way, on whether you've been burned -- or have done the burning.
Can Cheaters Change? Not a Chance!: Once someone crosses the line in the relationship (again, that line being different things to different people, but for argument's sake, we're talking here about the horizontal hora), it's like a seal being broken on a pill bottle.
Though some of it may depend on whether it was a drunken fling or an ongoing stealth hookup with someone at work, the fact is that once that trust is compromised, the offender will have a hard time resetting the relationship to its startup condition. Even if the victim accepts the offender back into the relationship, the offender will be likely to stray again -- because he knows he's already gotten away with it once.
The bigger picture, really, is the fact that he (we'll assume the cheater is a he; sorry, guys) cheated for a reason -- that something in his current relationship -- for example, one study showed that couples with infidelity issues showed greater dishonesty, arguments about trust, narcissism, and time spent apart -- made him explore other options. And that's ultimately what makes him prone to do it again. But...
Can Cheaters Change? Absolutely!
Just because someone has cheated in one relationship doesn't mean that he's always a cheater in his next relationships -- for the very same reason.
In the relationship where he cheated, he was willing to gamble it away. So if he enters a committed relationship where he feels there's much more to lose, there's a less likely chance he'll want to risk it.
Does that mean he won't, or that he couldn't succumb to the temptations of the tight-topped bartender? Of course not. Cheating certainly can make some relationships impossible to continue, but some infidels can indeed change -- that is, if he hopes to make other relationships even remotely possible.
Can't we all (both men AND women) just get along?
NB: Dis caught my interest bcos lately cheating has become a huge issue in relationships....
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Quiz of the Day
I came across this quiz and I decided to share it with you...feel free to indulge!!!
http://www.blogthings.com/areyousexyquiz/
Below is my result(hehehehe):
You Are Very Sexy
Damn! You are one hot number. You have a lot of sex appeal.
You know you're sexy, and you're not afraid to put it all out there.
And while you're very appealing, you're careful not to be trashy or over the top.
Sexy is all about attitude. And you totally have the attitude that people love.
How You Are Sexy
You accept your body as it is, and that's sexy. If you feel attractive, you are more attractive - no matter what your shape is.
You feel gorgeous, and you always try to look your best. You make the best of what you've got. Totally sexy!
You are secure in social situations, and you definitely have a confident vibe. And that's very sexy.
You are flirtatious and fun with most people. You know how to keep things light, friendly, and sexy.
http://www.blogthings.com/areyousexyquiz/
Below is my result(hehehehe):
You Are Very Sexy
Damn! You are one hot number. You have a lot of sex appeal.
You know you're sexy, and you're not afraid to put it all out there.
And while you're very appealing, you're careful not to be trashy or over the top.
Sexy is all about attitude. And you totally have the attitude that people love.
How You Are Sexy
You accept your body as it is, and that's sexy. If you feel attractive, you are more attractive - no matter what your shape is.
You feel gorgeous, and you always try to look your best. You make the best of what you've got. Totally sexy!
You are secure in social situations, and you definitely have a confident vibe. And that's very sexy.
You are flirtatious and fun with most people. You know how to keep things light, friendly, and sexy.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Five Friends Every Woman Should Have
This I like...........
"Friends are the family we choose for ourselves," writer Edna Buchanan once said. I consider the "family" I've gathered—with five kinds of pals I count on for completely different things—among the wisest choices I've made. If you can find even one who embodies any of the characteristics that follow, you can consider yourself fortunate.
1. The Uplifter: This woman's favorite word: yes. You could tell her you're trading your six-figure income for a career in offtrack betting, and she'd barely pause before yelping "Go for it!" Don't you need someone who looks past the love handles to notice the extraordinarily gorgeous you?
2. The Travel Buddy: When the hotel in St. Lucia is a bust, one characteristic becomes all-important: flexibility. This agreeable companion need not be the girl you traded pinkie swears with on the playground; it's enough that she's comfortable with quiet (between gabfests) and is a teensy bit mischievous (as in tequila after midnight).
3. The Truth Teller: Intent is what separates the constructive from the abusive. Once you've established that the hard news is spoken in love (not in jealousy or malice), you'd be smart to seek out this woman's perspective.
4. The Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun: One Saturday a pal and I—and yes, we're both over age 12—pored over every glitter lip gloss in a drugstore aisle for an entire 45 minutes. Forget the crisis download (for that, see the Uplifter); this partnership is about spontaneous good times.
5. The Unlikely Friend: "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive," Anaïs Nin wrote. My friends—some twice my age, others half, some rich, others homeless, some black like me, others Korean, Mexican, Caucasian—have added richness to my life that only variety can bring.
By Michelle Burford
"Friends are the family we choose for ourselves," writer Edna Buchanan once said. I consider the "family" I've gathered—with five kinds of pals I count on for completely different things—among the wisest choices I've made. If you can find even one who embodies any of the characteristics that follow, you can consider yourself fortunate.
1. The Uplifter: This woman's favorite word: yes. You could tell her you're trading your six-figure income for a career in offtrack betting, and she'd barely pause before yelping "Go for it!" Don't you need someone who looks past the love handles to notice the extraordinarily gorgeous you?
2. The Travel Buddy: When the hotel in St. Lucia is a bust, one characteristic becomes all-important: flexibility. This agreeable companion need not be the girl you traded pinkie swears with on the playground; it's enough that she's comfortable with quiet (between gabfests) and is a teensy bit mischievous (as in tequila after midnight).
3. The Truth Teller: Intent is what separates the constructive from the abusive. Once you've established that the hard news is spoken in love (not in jealousy or malice), you'd be smart to seek out this woman's perspective.
4. The Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun: One Saturday a pal and I—and yes, we're both over age 12—pored over every glitter lip gloss in a drugstore aisle for an entire 45 minutes. Forget the crisis download (for that, see the Uplifter); this partnership is about spontaneous good times.
5. The Unlikely Friend: "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive," Anaïs Nin wrote. My friends—some twice my age, others half, some rich, others homeless, some black like me, others Korean, Mexican, Caucasian—have added richness to my life that only variety can bring.
By Michelle Burford
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Male Myths -- Busted!
One married man separates fact from fiction.
Tall tales abound when it comes to the married man. Some may be written in our DNA. And some are carefully crafted to work to our advantage. I'll probably get kicked out of the XY tree house for this, but here I demystify the male species and give you the truth behind the most common husband myths.
We hate chick flicks.
False! I put on an act whenever my wife recommends watching the latest sap-filled tear-fest Hollywood has decided to inflict upon the masses. "Do I have to?" I'll ask her. But deep down, I know watching a chick flick offers great rewards. First, the genre says it all: What guy wouldn't want to spend two hours ogling Reese Witherspoon? Then, there's the art of the barter. "Fine," I'll tell her, "I'll watch the movie, but only if you do something for me in return." In the end, I get to watch beautiful women for two hours, and I don't have to do the dishes. Popcorn, please!
We need to control the remote.
True! Guys always ask for the remote. Or, in some cases, simply take it. Sometimes in some cases this is because you girls flip too slowly. But the main reason is that this handheld device gives us power. We won't fight to control much else, but television is our domain. How many times a day do you go around quoting movies or discussing sports stats? See, TV is our secret code to the man world. And giving you the remote is like letting you know our handshake -- it gives you more control than you think. So please, ladies, let us have this. You don't have to understand it, but just know that holding a remote means so much more than it seems.
We never listen.
False! Sure, we forgot what you wanted for your birthday. Your cousin's name slipped our minds. Or we totally dropped the ball on how you were feeling (even though you "told us a million times"). It wasn't that we weren't listening. It was simply that we weren't paying attention. We heard the words -- just not the meaning behind them. And we're sorry, truly sorry. The sad fact is, we sometimes only listen when we're backed into a corner, the TV is off, and there are no other distractions.
Ever hear your man say, "Uh huh?" Here's a hint: He's not listening. He knows you're talking, but has no idea what you're saying. The good news is you can break through that. "Hey!" usually does the trick. Don't want to resort to yelling? Offer a compromise and a timeline -- like "This is important to me, so listen for a second and then you can go back to the game." Guys are easily distracted. But let us know how much something means to you, and suddenly we're putty.
We hate when you argue with our moms.
True! Marital bliss can sometimes be interrupted in the most unexpected ways. Like by your man's mom. Ever feel like bickering with her gets you nowhere? So do we.
To be brief, fighting is more trouble than it's worth. A buddy of mine told me he was flattered, in a way, when his wife and mom argued. Each of them thought she knew exactly what was best for him. "Finally," he told me, "women were fighting over me."
In the end, though, he grew tired of the constant squabbling, and said he wanted to feel like a husband, not a referee. Now when his wife and his mom argue, he takes the high road...out of town.
"I just don't want to deal with it," he said. "I wish my wife would take one for the team once in a while, swallow her pride, and say, 'Yes, Ma'am.' I don't even care if she means it!"
We promise, if you do this for us, we'll make it up to you.
We're jealous of your guy friends.
True! There's a theory that we're supposed to get over the fact that you have guy friends. We won your heart, after all -- they didn't. But we still can't get over the completely childish insecurity that envelops us when you go out with old flames, friends, or even coworkers.
Sometimes it's that we don't trust the guys. Other times, we just want to be invited along so we can meet these chums of yours. And often it's that we don't like the way you quote the funny things they say or bring them up in conversation. See, we don't necessarily fear that you'll cheat on us; we fear that we won't be the coolest, funniest, and most highly revered guy in your life.
We don't like to talk about our feelings.
False! My wife thinks I can be cold. When we're discussing something important -- or even an average workday -- I can seem distant or lost in thought. Then after what must seem like forever, I start speaking again. With most guys, the feelings are there, but it just takes a while for them to show themselves. Remember, we married you for a reason. When we do want to talk about our feelings, you're the one we call on.
So if "How was your day?" only receives a grunt, don't feel like a pest for asking again. Though it sometimes doesn't seem like it, we realize you're there to help when we need it. Just have a little patience, especially when the topic is touchy, and we'll show you just how vulnerable we can be.
By Mike Adamick
So I ask guys..........how true is this???
Tall tales abound when it comes to the married man. Some may be written in our DNA. And some are carefully crafted to work to our advantage. I'll probably get kicked out of the XY tree house for this, but here I demystify the male species and give you the truth behind the most common husband myths.
We hate chick flicks.
False! I put on an act whenever my wife recommends watching the latest sap-filled tear-fest Hollywood has decided to inflict upon the masses. "Do I have to?" I'll ask her. But deep down, I know watching a chick flick offers great rewards. First, the genre says it all: What guy wouldn't want to spend two hours ogling Reese Witherspoon? Then, there's the art of the barter. "Fine," I'll tell her, "I'll watch the movie, but only if you do something for me in return." In the end, I get to watch beautiful women for two hours, and I don't have to do the dishes. Popcorn, please!
We need to control the remote.
True! Guys always ask for the remote. Or, in some cases, simply take it. Sometimes in some cases this is because you girls flip too slowly. But the main reason is that this handheld device gives us power. We won't fight to control much else, but television is our domain. How many times a day do you go around quoting movies or discussing sports stats? See, TV is our secret code to the man world. And giving you the remote is like letting you know our handshake -- it gives you more control than you think. So please, ladies, let us have this. You don't have to understand it, but just know that holding a remote means so much more than it seems.
We never listen.
False! Sure, we forgot what you wanted for your birthday. Your cousin's name slipped our minds. Or we totally dropped the ball on how you were feeling (even though you "told us a million times"). It wasn't that we weren't listening. It was simply that we weren't paying attention. We heard the words -- just not the meaning behind them. And we're sorry, truly sorry. The sad fact is, we sometimes only listen when we're backed into a corner, the TV is off, and there are no other distractions.
Ever hear your man say, "Uh huh?" Here's a hint: He's not listening. He knows you're talking, but has no idea what you're saying. The good news is you can break through that. "Hey!" usually does the trick. Don't want to resort to yelling? Offer a compromise and a timeline -- like "This is important to me, so listen for a second and then you can go back to the game." Guys are easily distracted. But let us know how much something means to you, and suddenly we're putty.
We hate when you argue with our moms.
True! Marital bliss can sometimes be interrupted in the most unexpected ways. Like by your man's mom. Ever feel like bickering with her gets you nowhere? So do we.
To be brief, fighting is more trouble than it's worth. A buddy of mine told me he was flattered, in a way, when his wife and mom argued. Each of them thought she knew exactly what was best for him. "Finally," he told me, "women were fighting over me."
In the end, though, he grew tired of the constant squabbling, and said he wanted to feel like a husband, not a referee. Now when his wife and his mom argue, he takes the high road...out of town.
"I just don't want to deal with it," he said. "I wish my wife would take one for the team once in a while, swallow her pride, and say, 'Yes, Ma'am.' I don't even care if she means it!"
We promise, if you do this for us, we'll make it up to you.
We're jealous of your guy friends.
True! There's a theory that we're supposed to get over the fact that you have guy friends. We won your heart, after all -- they didn't. But we still can't get over the completely childish insecurity that envelops us when you go out with old flames, friends, or even coworkers.
Sometimes it's that we don't trust the guys. Other times, we just want to be invited along so we can meet these chums of yours. And often it's that we don't like the way you quote the funny things they say or bring them up in conversation. See, we don't necessarily fear that you'll cheat on us; we fear that we won't be the coolest, funniest, and most highly revered guy in your life.
We don't like to talk about our feelings.
False! My wife thinks I can be cold. When we're discussing something important -- or even an average workday -- I can seem distant or lost in thought. Then after what must seem like forever, I start speaking again. With most guys, the feelings are there, but it just takes a while for them to show themselves. Remember, we married you for a reason. When we do want to talk about our feelings, you're the one we call on.
So if "How was your day?" only receives a grunt, don't feel like a pest for asking again. Though it sometimes doesn't seem like it, we realize you're there to help when we need it. Just have a little patience, especially when the topic is touchy, and we'll show you just how vulnerable we can be.
By Mike Adamick
So I ask guys..........how true is this???
Monday, January 7, 2008
Hi guys................
This is to formally welcome everyone into the new year(again!!) and to let afrobabe, jinta, eb the celeb and everyone else know that 'Chrismus' ended DEC 25TH!!!(lol)...I actually have nothing to blog about yet....still searching for interesting articles and all....so maybe for now, i'll bore u with what happened during my holidays...(ahem)
Christmas Day: I went to work(yep, I did); got home in time to join my elder sis in entertaining guests....it started out a bit boring but people came at the end of the day
Boxing Day: Stayed home., rested, played with my adorable 7month old nephew(as usual)
New Year's Day: No work(thankfully) entertained fewer guests....den got dressed and went visiting
So dats it...dats how d holidays went for me and now, its time to see how much fun I can have this new year in the best and safest way possible(wish me luck all:D)
Christmas Day: I went to work(yep, I did); got home in time to join my elder sis in entertaining guests....it started out a bit boring but people came at the end of the day
Boxing Day: Stayed home., rested, played with my adorable 7month old nephew(as usual)
New Year's Day: No work(thankfully) entertained fewer guests....den got dressed and went visiting
So dats it...dats how d holidays went for me and now, its time to see how much fun I can have this new year in the best and safest way possible(wish me luck all:D)
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